Hello, everyone. Welcome to Successful Approaches to Difficult Employee Conversations. This is the third topic in the 2021 Leadership Certificate Webinar Series provided by Deer Oaks. Glad that you're with us today. My name is Greg Brannan from Deer Oaks, good to be with you again. Before we get started, I want to remind you of the parameters of this series. So the 2021 Leadership Certificate Webinar Series is a four part series. So this is the third part.

Back in March, we talked about how to effectively delegate tasks and responsibilities. Then the part two was in June, we talked about how to motivate, engage, and retain your staff. We of course, have this program today-- this topic today. And then there'll be one more coming up in December, moving from manager to leader. So I want to share a couple of things with you. Number one, if anyone has missed either of the first two programs, you can hit Reply to your GoToWebinar invitation for today, and request to be sent the recording link. So you can still view that webinar.

As most of you probably known, for those of you that don't, I just want to make sure that I make this clear, that you will earn the 2021 Deer Oaks Leadership Certificate, if you complete all four of the webinars here that are part of the series. And again, it doesn't matter whether you attend them live, or you review the-- or you view the webinar link, the recording. Either way, you'll get credit for it. We track both live and recorded views. And so again, let's say it's-- you've missed one or two earlier this year, and you still want to earn your Certificate. You still have time.

All you have to do, again, is hit Reply to your GoToWebinar invitation for today, and ask the Deer Oak staff to please send you, either the link to session one if you missed it, which is again, how to effectively delegate tasks and responsibilities. Or session two, if you missed it, how to motivate, engage, and retain your staff. Then of course, you have this session today, Successful Approaches to Difficult Employee Conversations. And if you have not registered for the fourth and final topic coming up in December, Moving from Manager to Leader, you can also hit Reply to your GoToWebinar invitation for today, and ask the Deer Oaks staff to please send you the registration link for the Moving from Manager to Leader session. We'd be happy to do that as well.

All right, folks again, before we get started today, I want to make sure our-- make sure our technology is working for us. If you can please locate the Raise Hand icon in the GoToWebinar software in the upper right hand corner of your screen. And if you can see my slides clearly and hear my voice clearly, can you please click on the Raise Hand icon now. Thank you, folks. Looks like we're good to go technology wise. I also want to let if you have any difficulty with the audio today as most of us are aware, nowadays when people log on to virtual programs like Zoom, or Microsoft Teams, or GoToWebinar it's very common for us to automatically opt to hear the audio through our computer.

But as most of you are probably aware, the quality of computer audio can be impacted by local weather conditions like a thunderstorm, or even an intermittent Wi-Fi signal at your location. And so if you have any issues with the audio today you have a second option. Click on the Audio button in the GoToWebinar software in the upper right hand corner of your screen and switch from computer audio to phone call. And then you can just-- you'll get a dial in number and you can call in and receive your audio that way.

Last but not least, I want to make you aware that during these educational programs provided by Deer Oaks, participants are in listen only mode, which means you won't be able to audibly ask questions during the content portion of the presentation, which really should last about 30 minutes today, give or take. But your questions are important to us. And so if you have any questions at the end of the content portion of the presentation, I will open it up for a question and answer session. At that time please type any questions you have into the question box in the GoToWebinar software, you'll find that in the upper right hand corner of your screen.

And we'll get to as many questions this afternoon as time allows. So I'm looking forward to that Q&A session here, coming up shortly. Let's go ahead and get started folks. As a jumping off place today, I want to start with the premise that a collaborative relationship or collaborative conversations is one of the most effective approaches, in general. To have a conversation with someone, and I want to compare and contrast a collaborative conversation with a directive conversation. I know most of us are familiar with directive conversations, right.

So directive conversations would be someone talking at somebody else. So if a supervisor is talking to an employee, that would be that supervisor telling that employee what they need to do and how to do it, or telling that employee what they need them to follow up on to solve a problem, or even telling that employee what they need to do to correct the behavior issue, or correct a performance problem. And so, but that's very directive. A collaborative conversation would be more of a two way conversation where two people are going back and forth. In the case of an employee and a supervisor, the supervisor when they assign work, instead of telling the employee what to do and how to do it in a directive way where the employee feels they're being talked at, or maybe even talk down to, or maybe even micromanaged.

The supervisor brings up the assignment and brainstorms with the employee together. They come up with the work plan, with the employee getting plenty of opportunity to give input into how that work's going to get completed. And again, another example of that would be, if a supervisor was trying to correct some employee performance rather than telling the employee just what's wrong and how to fix it, that supervisor would have a collaborative conversation with that employee, and give the employee some input into how that performance needs to be improved. And that would-- and I'll talk more about that and get a little bit more into those examples here in a minute.

But I want us to recognize this is my jumping off place for today is, when you're happy-- when you have to have a difficult conversation with another person, whether it be, again, you're assigning a complex task, or you're confronting an employee about a performance issue, or you're talking about some sort of a stressful topic. If you approach it in a directive way where you're talking at that other person or talking at that employee, I just want you to stay aware, and I know most you know this. So it's review for a lot of us, of course. But I want you to stay aware and stay conscious of the fact that when we talk at people, even if we're well-meaning, we're just trying to impart the information.

But if we do it in a directive way, the employee may not feel like-- they may not receive it respectfully. They may feel uncomfortable with being talked at, or they may feel like they're being micromanaged, or even talk down to. They may feel like they're not being valued or respected. That's what I want us to remember is that, remember the old saying folks, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. That's the whole premise here. Is that when you have a conversation with an employee particularly, about a difficult subject or in a difficult circumstance, you want to make sure that you're collaborating with the employee. You're talking with the employees instead of talking at the employee.

When we're to directive, when we're to-- when we're too dictatorial, or when we're talking at that employee, they may feel like we don't respect their input, or we don't value their opinion. And again, they could feel like they're being talked down to, or even being micromanaged. And if the employee doesn't feel respect, that they may shut down and not be as engaged in the conversation, or in the topic. And so I want us to recognize, when we have a collaborative conversation most employees receive those conversations as respectful. So when a leader is talking to an employee, or a supervisor talking to an employee.

Let's say it's a problem and we're talking to the employee, hey, we got this situation going on. What do you think we ought to do here, you have a lot of experience in this area employee. What do you think we should do? And when a leader approaches that, talking about that problem in a more respectful collaborative way, showing interest in the employees input, soliciting their ideas, wanting them to be a part of the goals or part of setting the goals, or part of developing the work plans. The employee is going to feel again, more respected and valued, which leads to more motivation.

And so I want us to recognize that, and that's sort of the jumping off place for our conversation today, that most conversations between employees and, excuse me, between supervisors and employees, if they're done collaboratively, even if they're difficult conversations like correcting performance, or confronting a behavior issue, or even having to give the employee news that they won't be happy about. Maybe they request to something and you have to say no, and the employee is going to be upset about that. If you're doing it in a collaborative way that employee is going to feel respected.

And even if they're not happy with the content and what you're talking about, they'll tend to come away from those conversations, again, feeling cared about and respected, which helps them maintain their motivation and engagement. All right, so let's get down into some additional details. Next I want to explore why a lot of times difficult conversations don't go well. And so first and foremost in my experience over the years, and there's been a lot of literature about this, if we approach difficult conversations in a directive way, again, if we're talking at the employee. And so for example, if you're giving bad news to an employee, let's say the employee asks for something and you have to tell them no.

If you tell them no in a very direct, maybe kind of a lecturing way. And this is why we can't do that, I'm sorry, I can't, I just can't do that. That employee again, may come away from that conversation feeling like their request wasn't valued, that they're not being respected, that they're kind of maybe being put in their place. And they could come away from that conversation feeling resentful and losing motivation. And so we want to make sure that when we're having a difficult conversation-- so folks, you can define a difficult conversation in a couple of different ways.

One way would be to have any conversation you're going to have with an employee that could be controversial where the employee might have a sensitivity to it, or you believe that the content of the conversation might be tough for that employee to hear, or maybe you're having to tell the employee no to something they requested and they're going to have an issue with it. Or maybe it's a difference of opinion between you and the employee. But any time you're having a difficult conversation, if you approach it in a directive way, if you're talking at the employee and focusing on-- telling them what you want to see happen, or giving them your opinion.

Telling them why they're wrong or just correcting their behavior, or their performance without giving them an opportunity to have some input into how things can be corrected. Again, the employee may come away from that conversation not feeling respected and that can be a problem. That can cause the employee to get defensive. They can push back more or at the very least, they'll come away from that conversation not being as motivated because they didn't feel like their boss treated them respectfully. So it's really important for us to remember, if you're having a-- in general, collaborative conversations work better than directive conversations.

Now, there's certainly a time and a place to be direct with people. Certainly, absolutely. But as long as most conversations we're having with employees are more collaborative, more respectful, typically, again, the employee will come away from those conversations. They might not be happy with the results, they may not have gotten the answer that they wanted. But they'll at least feel, because you treated them in a respectful collaborative way, they'll at least feel that you care about them and respect them as an employee, they'll feel valued.

So at least it won't have a particularly negative impact on their motivation. And so let's remember-- let's remember folks that any time-- now in general, I use the 80-20 rule with collaboration. I try to have 80% of my conversations be as collaborative as possible. And sometimes I do need to be direct. But even when I'm direct, I try to be direct in a very cordial way. Because I never wanted an employee to feel like I'm talking down to them or I'm talking at them, or I'm somehow lording over them my position. I want them to feel more than anything else and every conversation I have with employees and I'm a supervisor for Deer Oaks, I'm a director. I've got three direct reports.

I want them to know that I care about them as people and I respect them, and I value their input, I value their ideas, and I see them as partners. And so let's, but if you're-- in particular, if you're having to have a difficult conversation with an employee, make sure that you try to minimize a directive approach. Because again, that can cause a lot of discomfort for employees. Other reasons difficult conversations don't work is stress and stress management issues. If you're in a stressful place, let's say you are the employer feeling really stressed.

And sometimes the stress can be coming from the content that you're talking about in the difficult conversation, right. A lot of times when we're having a difficult conversation, just the topic is stressful, right? It's uncomfortable. And so that can create discomfort between the employee and the supervisors they're talking through that again. So that's why we need to be careful if you're feeling a lot of stress to, again, try to keep your emotions under control, try to keep your stress level under control, and be as respectful and collaborative as you can.

Unfortunately when people are stressed, they tend to lose their ability to use their best interpersonal skills. Stressed out people tend to get into survival mode. So we tend to be less patient with others, we don't listen as well. So we've got to be careful. If you know that you're going through stress, or if you know what you're talking to the employee about is causing them stress, you just want to be careful to kind of navigate respectfully through that conversation. Also emotions can get in the way, if you or the employee are upset, frustrated, angry, we may be more emotionally reactive than we would if we were in a calmer place.

And so again, if you feel like you're too emotional, you're going to have to be really careful in having that conversation, because you want to be careful that those emotions don't cause you to say or do something you'll regret later. I'll talk a little bit more about managing emotions during difficult conversations here in a moment. All right, let's also talk about why sometimes people and supervisors as well may avoid difficult conversations. And so many of you may feel like, I tend to put these off. And for a long time in my career, I did tend to try to avoid these conversations because they're hard, they're difficult, they take a lot of time, they're emotional.

They can be anxiety producing, people tend to be defensive and push back more when we're talking about difficult sensitive subjects. They can wear you out, or maybe we just don't want to be the bearer of bad news and lose that other person's approval. And so a lot of times people will put it off and avoid those conversations. But there's a danger to that, right. Of course, if you avoid discussing difficult issues with employees, I think most of us probably have recognized from past experience that those issues, oftentimes won't go away.

For example, if an employee shows up late for work, 15 minutes late once, you let it go. Maybe a month later, they show up 20 minutes late, you let that go. You're thinking they're pretty good employee, it's not that big a deal. And then a month later, they're half an hour late. Now, you've got to-- now you've got a trend, right. Now, you've got a performance issue, or behavioral issue that you need to coach, where if had talked to the employee after the first time they came in late, and maybe just had a calm collaborative conversation about how it's really important that you-- asking why the employee showed up late, and letting them know that I understand.

I mean, I get caught in traffic sometimes too, but I just need to let you know, because part of your responsibility is answering the phone. It's really crucial that you're here every day at 9 o'clock. And so what could you do moving forward to make sure you're here by 9 o'clock. And then maybe the employee says something like, why can you get up a half an hour earlier, or leave an extra 15 minutes just in case there's traffic. And so that's an example of a collaborative conversation. And if and if you have that early on, perhaps the employee doesn't repeat that offense. Because you nipped it in the bud.

And so again, we want to be careful not to put off these conversations although they are anxiety producing, and sometimes they are uncomfortable. But if we put it off, oftentimes that issue will get worse and that behavior will be repeated. And then the last thing I wanted to mention about being more collaborative is, and I wish I had these skills 20 years ago, and I've been managing people now for almost 28 years. And early in my management career, I didn't have these skills. I mean, I was a pretty directive supervisor and it caused me problems. I had a lot of times I would see people shut down. Their eyes would glaze over, and I tend to be an extrovert, so as you can probably tell being on these webinars, and I can talk too much, and I'm well aware of that.

But back in those days when I didn't have collaborative skills, I would just talk at people. And I'm very opinionated. And I'm a pretty bottom line oriented person. And I could tell, oftentimes people were uncomfortable. I got better training over the years. I recognized that I wasn't as effective as I could be, so I got better training.

And as I've learned over the last, I don't know, 10 or 12 years to be more collaborative, to be more-- to ask for a lot more input instead of doing all the talking. And having more two-way conversations with people, talking with them instead of talking at them, I've noticed people respond much better than they used to respond to me in one on one meetings, or in one on one conversations, and in team meetings. And so let's make it a point, make it a goal to be more collaborative in our conversation approach as often as you can.

All right, next, I want to share a three step collaboration model. If you're like me and your visual, I'm a visual learner so I have to sort of see it either, visually or in my mind's eye. And so I try to follow these three steps. And this is not a script folks, but it's just-- it's a collaborative model that works really, really well. And so step one is the supervisor. When you're going to approach a collaborative conversation, the goal should be, you're the supervisor, you should be-- let's say we're talking about assigning work. We should be introducing the project.

Here's the project that I need you to do. Here's why I think it needs to be done. And here's the parameters. Here's the due date. Here's why I think you'll do a good job with it. But it's important to stop right there and not get down into telling people how to do it.

That's the employee's job, right. I mean, certainly, supervisors, we have a lot of experience in technical expertise. We can give our input into the work plan of course. But we want to avoid telling the employee what the assignment is and then how to do it. That gets down into being too directive. And so we want to be careful after we introduce the assignment, and the parameters, and the due date. We want to then ask the employee, what do you think we should do to get this done? You've had a lot of experience in this area, what do you think we should do to get this done?

Or if you ever had a-- if you ever worked on a project like this in the past, how did you guys tackle it last time? Or, and if the employee doesn't have a lot of ideas, you can start to say, well, can we brainstorm together some possible ways to approach this, because I've got a couple of thoughts. And then step three would be, after the employee gives you their input as to how they think the project should be completed, or the task should be completed, you can kind of go back and forth and build on each other's ideas. Because a lot of times folks will say, well, in a collaborative conversation, what if I ask the employee for their input.

Because a lot of times supervisors, right, I mean, we're again, experienced people who have a lot of technical capability. A lot of times when we give an assignment, we have a pretty good idea of how we want to have it done. But we need to be open to giving the employee some input to take some ownership, right. And to have some input into how things are going to get done. So they buy in.

So it becomes their work, not just them doing what we're asking them to do, but letting them be a part of it. People support what they help to create. And so, but a lot of times people will say, what if I ask the employee for their input and I don't like their idea? That's when a skill called, building on ideas works beautifully. And this is something I've really enjoyed getting better at over the years. Is when I ask an employee for their input, let's say I don't like-- I don't like a lot of their idea. So let's say I say, well, how do you think we have to approach getting this task completed and they say ABC, as a hypothetical. And I'm thinking to myself, well, A and B are not going to work, but C, we can probably work with.

I'll say to him something like, well, I like C, I think, this is called building, right? I like C, but I'm not sure that A and B would work well and here's why. But what about if we did C and D? Do you think if we did C and D, do you think that might be a way to get this task completed? And now you're building on each other's ideas and you're going back and forth. And that's step three. You're listening to their input and you're giving some input, and building on their ideas because you like some of what they said but not all of it. And you want to add your two as well. And as a supervisor, you need to be able to have input.

But these conversations folks go beautifully. I've been doing this now, pretty consistently for, 10 years or so, give or take. And these conversations go a lot better. I even have these kinds of conversations in my home with my family, like when we're talking about what to watch on TV. I used to be very direct and say, hey, hey, honey this is what I want to watch. And then of course, a lot of times people will say, oh, OK, and they just go with it. But maybe that's not what they wanted to watch. So nowadays I'll say, hey, I'm in the mood for something funny tonight or something lighter. So I'll-- that's step one and I'll say, what do you guys think, to my wife and daughter.

What do you guys think? Is there anything in particular that maybe is on the lighter side that you might want to watch? So now we're talking together, right? It's a family conversation, instead of dad just saying this is what we're watching like I did for so many years. And so-- and then you go back and forth. I just want-- I just want to point out how effective this is even with my daughter when she was growing up. Like she and I were butting heads for a while about her making her bed. She would, like every other day, not make her bed for a while.

And it was a big issue for her. And so I tried to use traditional parenting and give consequences if the bed wasn't made and all those kinds of things. But finally, I just talked with her and said, honey, I'm frustrated, I know you're frustrated. But I just want to know why you're not making-- why this is such a big deal for you. And so I decided to use a more collaborative approach. And so she says, dad, you know how I get up late every morning and I hit the snooze-- the snooze alarm six times and I run out the run out the door with my hair wet to catch the bus.

And she says, it's just one more thing in the morning that makes me feel overwhelmed. And so I said, OK, well, knowing that your mother and I want to have the bed made, we think it's important. When would you commit to making the bed? She says, if I could do it after school, she says, I promise I'll do it. And then I was able to say to her building on her idea, well, how about if we have an agreement then, if I let you do it after school, it'll be done before dinner. And then trying to cut off another potential issue that sometimes happens with kids, right.

And so-- and then we came to an agreement. And guess what? From that point forward, because she had some input and we did it together collaboratively, she was making the bed on a regular basis. And I was kind of kicking myself thinking, I went through months of frustration, because I was too directive. Telling her to make it and when to make it earlier on, and she was pushing back. And so that's what I want us to see. I want us to see in different scenarios, collaboration works really, really well. Let me give you another example that we started to talk about earlier, if you're correcting performance.

Because obviously, when you have to confront an employee about a performance issue, or talk to an employee about a performance issue, those can be nerve wracking. It can be anxiety producing for the supervisor because they some employees don't respond well to those conversations. And you might be going in a little anxious expecting pushback with a particular employee, or certainly, anxiety producing for employees having their performance called out by their supervisor, that's never easy for people to hear.

But if we do it more collaboratively, it goes so much better. So here's an example of a directive performance improvement conversation versus a collaborative one. Directive would be, the supervisor calls the employee in and says, that monthly report you just turned in this month, it's really subpar, I'm disappointed. I mean, it's much briefer than they normally are. And it doesn't have the supporting charts and graphs, and our department really is looking for that. Because she passes our reports up the stream to the higher ups. And so I'm going to have to-- I'm going to have to ask you to redo this. And I'm going to give you another day, but I need you to do this, this, and this, and make sure it gets done right, next time.

Now again, you have a right as a supervisor to correct that employee's performance. But in my example I just gave, that employee could feel like they're having their hand slap, they feel like they're being talked down to. And folks, when managing adults, and adults want to be treated with respect, there's a SHRM, Society for Human Resources Management survey, that says the number one thing American workers want when they go to work other than a paycheck is they want to be treated respectfully.

And so I want to give you an example now of that same conversation done in a more collaborative way and in a more respectful way, and to be more easily received by the employee. So now, I bring the employee using this three step collaboration model. I bring the employee in and I let them know, again, I start similarly, and say, hey, the monthly report you turned in this week, it's not at the same level of quality as your normal reports. It's a lot shorter than normal and it doesn't have the supporting documentation, the charts and graphs that you usually include. Can I ask why?

Let's say the employee says, well, I just had a really busy month. I had too much on my plate. I didn't have time to get to put as much into it this month. I had to shortcut. And then I would say as the supervisor, something along the lines of I understand, I mean, there's months when I have too much on my plate and, but this is one particular project, I just have to be honest with you. This is one particular project, our monthly reports that's really, really important to our department head. And so we can't shortcut this. We have to make sure that they're done as comprehensively as possible.

And so if I give you a couple more days, what could you do to maybe add some additional documentation and get the report back up to the level that you normally hand in and give the employee an opportunity to tell you what they're going to do to correct the report and to get it back on track. And again that employee probably is going to go away from that conversation feeling at least respected, even though it might still be a little uncomfortable being confronted about that. Feeling respected, feeling like their supervisor values their opinion and is treating them respectfully.

And in those cases, the employees typically are going to be more apt to be motivated to follow up and do a good job with that correction. And so let's be thinking about that-- let's be thinking about trying to make our conversations as collaborative as possible, recognizing, again, there's a time to be directive. If you're quoting a policy or if there's only one way to get something done, maybe you have to be more directive in those scenarios. But in other situations, if possible, try to be more conversational and more collaborative with your employees.

And they typically, will respond, they'll feel more respected and more valued in those conversations and tend to respond with more motivation as a result. All right, a couple more details about having difficult conversations successfully. It is important, obviously, to pick the right times to interact. Another reason why sometimes difficult conversations don't go well is maybe the supervisor is not having a good day. Maybe they're stressed out and they jump into a conversation with an employee. But because they're stressed, they're not using their best interpersonal skills. Or maybe the employee comes into the conversation feeling really upset about something.

And so they're escalated from the beginning of the conversation. And so it is important to pick our spots and have good timing. So if you're not in a good place mentally or emotionally, then perhaps put that conversation off until you can have a more calm conversation or a more positive, collaborative conversation with the other person. And if you notice, when you walk up to the employee that maybe they look-- they look under the gun or they look stressed, you can ask them is this a good time to talk and be flexible if it's not to say, OK, I'm sorry I caught you at a bad time.

Will tomorrow morning be better. And again, be respectful of the employee stress level in the moment so that when you do have the conversation, it'll go as well as possible. Again particularly, if you're about to talk about something that's sensitive or stressful, you don't want to rush into a conversation like that when one or both of you are upset, or stressed, or not at your best. Two last things and then I'll open it up for questions. Being more, being aware of responding instead of reacting. I want us to recognize folks, and this is part of emotional intelligence or just keeping our emotions under control.

When we're stressed out or when we're emotional, when we're feeling-- and then those two go hand in hand, right. When someone's stressed out, they typically get more emotional. When we're stressed out, oftentimes we're more anxious, we're more fearful, we're more angry, more frustrated as part of that. And so when you're in a conversation with someone, if you're feeling stressed out during the conversation. Stay aware of what you're feeling and do your very best to manage your emotions, so that you can respond rationally to the employee instead of reacting emotionally.

And it takes some skill and practice, right? I truly believe emotional intelligence is a crucial leadership skill. And I know most of you are pretty familiar with this. But emotional intelligence in a nutshell really is our ability to stay aware of what we're feeling situation by situation. And being able to manage those feelings so that we can respond calmly and rationally instead of reacting emotionally. And so if you're going into a conversation with an employee and it's a difficult conversation and you notice that you or the employer, or you are escalated or upset, or stressed. Just be careful with that conversation, knowing that you need to do your best to keep your emotions under control.

I love to build in a pause, if I'm in a conversation that starts to get escalated or heated, I like to build in a pause, put someone on hold for a moment, or take a deep breath, or count to 10. So I can get my emotions under control. I've been training myself over the years. I didn't use to do a good job with this 20 years ago either. I would find myself in conversations and it would start to get heated or escalated, both personally and professionally. Then I would start to get more-- get more assertive and get louder in my tone of speech and/or tone of voice.

And if that does not make things go better, when we get more intense and more escalated, oftentimes that makes the conversation more stressful, or more contentious. And you want to stay calm and use your best interpersonal skills, of course, if you to have a good difficult conversation. So it is important to learn to keep our emotions under control, so that when we do respond to the other person we can do it in a calm, thoughtful way, or calm, rational way instead of reacting emotionally. A lot of times building in a pause, either putting off that conversation until you're calmer.

Some of the worst conversations I've ever had, was I-- happened when I just jumped into a conversation when I was too emotional or too stressed. And I've done a better job over the years in learning how to be aware of how I'm feeling and if I'm not in a good place, or if I'm feeling upset, or angry, or whatever to try to put that conversation off till I'm calmer. So I can have a more effective conversation. All right, last but not least then we'll open it up for questions, folks.

Managing conflict agreeably. So of course, conflict is going to come even in supervisor employee relationships. There are going to be times when we disagree with each other. There's going to be times when we don't communicate well, when we're not on the same page, or we're having a miscommunication. And there's going to be times when we'll start to argue and have some conflict. It happens even in supervisor employee relationships, it happens. And so but the most important part about whenever you start to have conflict with an employee, or it starts to get uncomfortable.

It starts that you start to feel the emotions running high or it starts to-- you start to get-- it starts to become contentious or you feel it becoming escalated. You want to make sure that you stay calm and that you speak. Remember, it's not what you say, it's how you say it, that you speak very respectfully. And you speak with kindness and consideration. Remember, again, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. And so remember at the end of every conversation, I love this, the number one rule I've learned over the years of relationships is, when there's an issue and there's going to be issues between people. There's no two individuals that see every issue the same way, right?

We're going to disagree sometimes, we're going to not be on the same page sometimes. We're even going to have arguments at times. It's going to happen in every relationship, including every supervisor employee relationship. The bottom line is not who wins the point or who gets the-- who gets there-- gets their opinion across or whoever proves themselves right, that's not the issue. The issue is coming through that conversation in a respectful way. Even though you're the supervisor for example, if you're having a disagreement with your employee, if you get real firm and put that employee in their place and pull rank on them, that employee may go out of that conversation really feeling demotivated, right?

And angry with you. And that could have an impact on their motivation moving forward, right? No one likes to be talked down to or talked at, or having someone pull rank on them. Now, you may need to and at the end of the day, you may need to dictate what the go forward strategy is because you are the supervisor. But remember, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. You want to have that conversation agreeably, very respectfully. Hear the employee out, be very respectful of their opinion, even if you don't agree, even if your final decision is going to be different than what the employee would like to see happen.

We need to hear the employee out be kind considerate and very respectful of their opinion. And if you have to go with something in that situation that's not that employee's opinion or the employee won't be happy with, you need to be very respectful and kind in how you explain why you're going to do it this way, instead of the way they wanted to do it. Because again, at the end of that conversation, the most important thing is that employee comes away from that conversation feeling cared about and respected by their supervisor, even if they didn't get what they wanted out of the conversation.

Maya Angelou, who I know a lot of you remember, she passed away recently, a very wise woman. She once said, that people will forget what you say and what you do, but they'll never forget how you made them feel. So let's make sure folks, whenever we have a conflict or disagreement with an employee that we're very respectful, so that employee experiences that we care about them and feels respected. All right, folks, I know we've covered a lot in a very short period of time today.

I want to open it up for questions. If you have any questions, please type them into the content, or excuse me, into the question box in the GoToWebinar software in the upper right hand corner of your screen. And so while you're thinking of questions you may want to-- you may want to ask, I want to remind all of you, because we've got a lot of people from a lot of different organizations here. We've actually got almost 300 people on the call today. I don't know if you can see that through your GoToWebinar software. But we have a big turnout today.

And everyone on the call today works for an organization that has Deer Oaks as their EAP. So I want to remind all of you that we're here for you. Deer Oaks is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We answer the phone live, 24 hours a day, every day of the year. It's answered live. And every one of you has a toll free number that your organization has from Deer Oaks to be able to reach our services 24/7, which include free counseling, financial consultations with accredited financial counselors.

Our Work/Life consultants will do searches to find things on your to do list like, home contractors, day care options, help you book travel. So it's a wonderful resource, but if you don't have to reach Deer Oaks 24 hours a day, you can reach out to human resources in your organization and ask for the toll free number to Deer Oaks they'd be happy to give it to you. And remember, that these services do not only cover the employees in your organization. They also cover your dependents, whether or not they live with you and anyone else living in your household.

All right, again, folks, if you have any questions, please type them into the question box and the GoToWebinar software in the upper right hand corner of your screen. AND again, I'm going to try to get to as many questions as we can get to today. As many questions as time allows. We do have a lot of questions coming in and a lot of people on the call. So we may not get to everyone's questions, but I'll do my best to get to as many as possible.

All right, here's a great starting place from one of your colleagues here, is this person saying, I wanted to mention that we often discuss internal customer service as a means to conduct conversations. I like that a lot. I really do, and I truly believe when an organization commits to respectful interactions and that collaborative conversations are just that, right? There is respectful interactions, that's the core of internal customer service. It really is, that if you're talking to your colleagues, to your supervisor, to someone, to a citizen that you're serving, or whatever the case may be.

If you're talking to them in a respectful collaborative way, that to me, that's the foundation of good customer service. Is wanting to talk with that person instead of quoting policy to them or at them. You may have to in the end, but as part of that conversation, you absolutely want to respectfully ask for their input, ask how can I best help you. Show them that you're interested in their opinion and that you're there to try to help them. The more collaborative we can be, same thing with our colleagues. If you have a colleague from another department coming to you wanting your help, you may be working on a deadline.

But to be able to be collaborative with that employee or with that colleague to say, I know you need my help. Would it be possible if I can do what you're asking, maybe tomorrow morning, I'm on a deadline today. Would that work for you? Will that meet your schedule? Again, in a collaborative way, showing them that you do care about their request, but that you just may not be able to do it right now. But being respectful of their schedule as well. And so I love that, I love-- because I do believe that having collaborative conversations, it's good business. It's great customer service, both internally and externally. And it's great interpersonal relationship skill.

All right, we've got more questions coming in. And I've got one of your colleagues making another comment here. I appreciate the comments folks, feel free to make comments as well. I will share them because you guys have obviously, have a lot of experience in this area. So here's another one that this person is saying, I'm a new supervisor, I need to keep hearing talk less, listen more as well as don't dictate, collaborate.

I appreciate that, I wish I had these skills 28 years ago. I probably went the first half of my management career, I'm sad to say, being pretty directive, where I was doing most of the talking, I was talking at people. I was more of a boss than a partner. And more of a director than a collaborator. And I had to learn better skills, but since I have, I think, I'm much more effective with the people that I lead.

And I think they would say that I'm easier or much, much more respectful to work with, or much more comfortable to work with because I've become more collaborative. And if I can learn, anyone can. Al right, someone else is asking where we can get a copy of this PowerPoint. All you have to do is hit Reply to your GoToWebinar invitation for today and ask our staff for a copy of the PowerPoint, they'd be happy to send it to you.

I've got another colleague asking-- I'm getting a lot of questions, just general questions which I appreciate. Is that I have-- is that do you have a similar presentation for employees? I do, I actually do have a similar presentation for employees, it's called successful approaches to difficult conversations. I just take out the employee and I tailor it to for employees to treat them-- treat each other more collaboratively. And so-- and most of you have as part of your contract with Deer Oaks, training hours built into that, your EAP contract.